KitchenBound
by confusedbassplayer
Summary: What if, for some unknown reason, Ness decided to open a soup kitchen instead of doing what he was destined to do? OCS   Joe Jamason, and, acording to my friend, me. Enjoy.


**I dodn't come up with this story alone. One of my best friends started making fun of Ness for the heck of it, and it turned into this. It actually got a pretty good mark in English class laast year! Anyway, Enjoy!**

KitchenBound

Way back when I was fifteen, Ness got into a pointless disagreement with some guy named Joe Jaimason. This Joe was a pretty successful buisness man who owned his own chain of restaurants, which were all over the country. He was one of those types of people that wore fancy suits all day, every day, and he had a ton of money to spare.

Ness wanted some of Joe's money so that he could open a soup kitchen, which he kept telling me was his lifelong dream.

"One day," Ness said a few years ago. "We're going to open a soup kitchen!"

"Is that why we ran away from home?"

"No," Ness replied. "We ran away because no one would support us. Plus, after that alien showed up to tell me to save the world, I knew I had to leave."

"Actually," I said. "I'm pretty sure you were supposed to leave because you need to find three other people that are supposed to help you save the world from total chaos and destruction."

Well, as you might have guessed, Ness didn't do any of that stuff. He had his mind set on getting his own soup kitchen and "live the good life."

"So," Joe said, looking at Ness from across his desk in a small office. "Tell me again. Why exactly should I give you my money? What's in it for me?"

We were in a large city called Fourside. It was located on the far side of a huge desert, and across a fairly large body of water. This city was kind of like New York City in almost every way.

Unfortunately, Ness and I weren't exploring this wonderful metropolis. We were sitting in a small office in a fairly large building, near the edge of the city.

"Well," Ness said. "You could always use the soup kitchen to make extra money for yourself. Maybe you could get yourself some new suits, not that the one you have isn't fine, but maybe, with more money in your pocket, you could get the best of the best."

"I see," Joe said, scratching his chin. "So, you want me to pay you, just so you can pay me, so I can get a better wardrobe?"

"Well," Ness said nervously. "You could always get whatever you want. I was just putting ideas out there."

"Smooth," I said sarcastically. "Listen up, Joe. Have you ever thought of helping people who really need it? I mean, really. You've got an entire chain of restaurants. You give food to people all the time. Why don't you help us give something to people who can't afford it?"

"Shush," Ness hissed, glaring at me. "So, Mr. Jaimason, how about you help us help the needy?"

I was just about ready to hit Ness in the head. He had this annoying habit of shutting me up after I give him an idea. The more annoying part of it was he always used my ideas!

It was exactly like what happened a few years ago. I gave Ness the brilliant idea of not robbing five thousand dollars from a bank, and he shushed me.

"Hmm," he said. "Maybe we shouldn't rob this bank. We can find a better way to get money."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically. "You are probably the smartest guy on the face of the Earth."

Ness and I could have risked our lives for all the money in any bank, but thanks to me, we never did. We opted not to face the likely possibility of getting caught and arrested.

"Your argument doesn't convince me," Joe said. "Why would I just give away years of hard earned profit to a couple of dropouts who don't even have their own jobs?"

"Alright," Ness said, leaning forward a little. "Just answer one question: Why did you start your restaurant chain?"

"Well," Joe said. "It started as a simple family business. This whole company used to be one sandwich shop. I got bored with that business, and I expanded it the moment I got the opportunity."

"Do you even care about customer satisfaction?"

"Of course I do," Joe replied. "Ever since I expanded this business, I've wanted nothing but the best for my customers."

"Then you can imagine that we want the same thing," Ness said. "We've got something in common."

"I'm still not convinced."

Ness and I walked out of Joe's building a few hours later. We kept trying to convince him to donate money to us, but he wouldn't budge. All that ended up happening was a pointless conversation that somehow involved Joe talking about how he lost his foot in a car accident and got a golden foot replacement.

This wasn't the first time we had been disappointed. A few years ago, Ness and I stopped by a pizza place and we had ordered a few slices to go. Apparently, our order got criss crossed with another and we ended up with apple sauce instead. There was also terrible service and the place wasn't very clean, considering the fact that spiders were crawling up our backs. The place itself was a tight squeeze with some kind of cool breeze, and because of that, we got the shiveries.

Ok, so that whole thing about the shiveries was kind of a rip off of a ryme, but it really did happen. Now that I think about it, why was there apple sauce at a pizza place anyway? Was that place even lagitament?

Well anyway, Ness and I were pretty disappointed because we couldn't get the money we needed to open our dream soup kitchen. We weren't going to give up though. Well, Ness wasn't anyway.

"Stay here, around the hotel," Ness told me. "I've got something to take care of."

Ness ran off in some random direction, while I was left to explore the hotel we hung around. There were at least two swimming pools, an oversized dining area near the front lobby, and five star services. It was worth waiting a few hours for Ness to get back to this paradise.

"I have a plan," Ness declared when he got back from whatever he was doing. "We're going to sell Joe jaimason's golden toe and open our soup kitchen!"

"You stole Joe's toe? You are officially the world's biggest idiot."

"Probably," Ness replied, obviously ignoring me. "We're going to put this up for bidding on EBay."

To make a short story shorter than it really needs to be, we did exactly what we said we would do. The toe sold for some insane amount of money that no normal person would ever think about paying. We ended up getting the money, and we bought an old closed down store to set everything up.

Ness and I managed to open up our soup kitchen, and we got married in the process. Business was booming, and everything was going smoothly.

A few months later however, something different happened. Joe Jaimason, with his old tattered suit, torn shoe, and a wooden stub to replace the golden toe, walked into the soup kitchen.

"Ever since my toe was stolen," he told us. "I lost my confidence as a business man. I made a terrible mistake, and I hit rock bottom."

Well, it could have been worse right? It's not like Joe's new nick name made things worse. Homeless Joe sure made himself at home in our little soup kitchen.

Ok, so that is pretty bad. At least I didn't steal that toe and caused Joe to dive into extreme depression! It was Ness! Blame him!


End file.
